usually it's moments like these in my life where i use my angst to write ranting pointless or love-scorned blogs.
but this time around, i cant seem to find any words.
the pain is deep.
the tears are there.
but nada.
ziltch.
nothing.
its a scary kinda nothing though.
empty.
but not hateful.
strong.
but not regretful.
whatever.
just come back.

yesterday was the end of all days.
my heart is broken and my eyes are swollen.
you made me feel like shit.
but i still want you.
i still need you.
i miss you
and love you.

i dont remember how to say good bye.

I got around to thinking today about my past. I've already written a little note entry on Facebook about it but this one won't just skim the surface. When I say my past, we all know I mean my past relationships. Don't get me wrong, I am 99.9% satisfied with my current man. ( Not 100 because then things would be too good to be true that just never happens.) But, there is a tiny part of me that likes to reminisce about what used to be. I will not name names because like I've always said, my Xanga is public and the last thing I want is to stir up somebody else's shit. In any case, this is my written letter to all of you (in no particular order, though I dont think it would be hard for you figure it out.) because back then, I never had the courage and perspective I have now.

The Second Chance Romance.. but only for a minute.
You came at the most unexpected time in my life. And for the months I can remember, you were probably the most timid of them all. It was strange because if not completely reserved at one moment - you were extremely bold in the next. You were the black sheep of my world. Totally unincluded. Totally unaware. Practically invisible. Always on my mind. Even though you were the dark handsome stranger, you seem to get closer to me without ever revealing too much. I was wounded, down and out and there you were - a beacon of unrequitted hope. Emphasis on the unrequitted. You were more of my best friend than my lover. And even though our moments were secret - the whole world knew. You were painted all over my face. All the text messages written and kept. All the late night phone chats. The bets and the stories. You really did teach me how to live strong. Thank you for never letting us fall in love. You were always my favourite song.

Mister Until I get Over You cont'd.
I'm nearly speechless when I think about talking about you. More than ever, you've been on my mind. I wanted to forget you so bad and when it finally happened - I felt apart of me disappear. I underestimated how much you really meant to me and in doing so, I allowed myself to go thinking the very worst of you. Instead of commending you on being what you will always manage to be to me - my foundation. Without you, I wouldnt have ever believed in fairytales. How could love at first sight be real? We met on coincidence and fell in love in a place most people dream. A perfect item. Only now do I start to remember the little things, the better things. So many careless moments and worry-free days. When trust was so easy to give having never been broken. If I miss anything, it's the ease in which being with you came. Nothing about us was flawed. You were the only one ever to make me feel beautiful all around. I know I'm not the greatest looking but you made me feel like no one could compare. The only factor working against us was time and comfort. Along with boredom and routine, they all managed to rear their ugly heads and come between heaven. You were the one I shared my everything with and you'll always have that. Thank you for teaching me how to love and lose. You will always be the one that got away.

My Wonderwall afterall Love thang.
Talk about scattered love. No one ever needed me as much as you did. But I was glad. I was glad to be the rainbow after the storm - your storm, my storm, our storm. It's safe to say, at the time, I needed you too. I knew from the moment I saw you, we wouldn't click and instincts are rarely a miss. I forced love upon myself and in doing so managed to hurt you.. For that I will always be sorry. You were understanding, compassionate and tolerant. I know I was never the easiest to love but somehow you did it. With ease and with heart. It wasn't the sweet talk or your looks that left me in awe, it was the way you wanted to love me. Even after you've seen the mess I would always leave behind. You wanted to watch the sunrise and set with me. I never expected to fall so deep in love with you. After time,  things grew thin and our loved grew tattered. Like I said, I'm not an easy one to love and in my heart, I couldn't ask you to keep trying. Sometimes, if not most, I made it easy for you to walk away. I couldn't admit it then but I can now - I set up our love to fail. I know I'm not all to blame but if I just gave as much as I knew I should- you wouldn't have wandered. Now, memories fade and all I can recall is the last time we looked eachother in the eyes. You were the first and last in many things. Thank you for showing me how to be strong. You will always be my reminder.



&& there you have it. 3 lessons that made who I am. It feels so good to let it out after all these years. You guys didn't make it any easier for my boyfriend now. But you did teach me how to appreciate him so much more. While all you guys always had me at my best - he's the only one that wanted to keep me at my worst. Just goes to show that we're all part of a masterplan in one way or another. Man, I love spring cleaning.

I'm pretty sure I have the wrong french translation for that game. LOL. Nevertheless, I love it.

I haven't really been true to my word. I apologize. I have been really beat after work and on my days off, I go out. Not much of my life to elaborate on. Like I've said countless times, my job ate my life.

In any case, I will turn your attention elsewhere by making this entry about something that really has been affecting my life. (Without letting out too much because after all, this is a public site in which the person(s) would be able to read this) I guess it starts with a few questions: How can you live life having everything given to you, yet be so ungrateful? How can you take from those you love, and above all love you, and offer nothing in return? I guess it's my own fault. I have always been the type to be walked all over, it's in my nature to be compassionate. OVERLY- compassionate at times. And in being so, I open myself up to people who take advantage of me and people who take me for granted. In the end, I lose out on so much more than materialistic belongings. If these were normal circumstances and things weren't so complicated, I would tell you this:

You can only get so far in life by lieing, cheating and basically just being an inconsiderate brat. Everyone has called you out and you choose to do what you do best and run away from it. You need to stop acting like a child and listen to what people want to tell you because most times than none, its things you NEED to hear. People don't get anywhere in life by stamping their little feet and demanding it. You've taken all you can from the people who cared about you the most and now look where you are? Living the lie that most respectable people would look at in disdain. Karma does make it's way around - I have to believe it does, and sweetheart, I'm hardly ever wrong about that. I wash my hands clean of you and your manipulative ways. I should have taken the aid of those who actually gave a damn and left you to rot like ths hood rat you will always be. Not through anyone else's fault but your own. I'm done fighting for you , with you and against you. You know what you did and what you will always manage to do. The big questions is : Will you actually care? Probably not. In the years I've known you and through the words of everyone else who has too, you have no shame. So you can't force virtue on those who live their lives dedicated to the vices. Even if you didn't lie, who in their right mind can believe you now? Whatever credibility you think you have is false because one day, if not one day too late, you'll look around you and see the disaster that you'll always be apart of and I'm sorry. But I can't give you anything you haven't already cold-heartedly taken from me. It really is a damn shame.

.... and thats word.

What a crazy April Fools.

Im out Xanga.

Sick .... && just really tired.

So I am back from Windsor but to my dismay,  I  came down with probably the worst illness I've ever endured. Everything about me hurts. Even my eyelashes are paining me. Its incredible that I can even stay awake long enough to type this. Every 2 hours I fall asleep for 3 hours. My head is killing me from all the oversleeping I'm doing. Gosh, I feel like death. BUT, despite my sickness there is so much more killing me.

I have to go to work tomorrow. Everyone knows I love my job. But for the amount of time and energy I put into it, it hardy ever seems worth it. I mean, I deal with guests all day by catering to their every whim if I can, watching their children, running their activities, getting and serving their food, cleaning up after them, taking out trash, washing dishes, sweeping and vaccuming, folding t-shirts, putting together corporate packages, sometimes I do bar and sometime soon, I'll be cooking their food as well. Can you believe I get paid a whopping 8 dollars an hour to do this? Tip may or maynot be included. I really wouldn't mind it if the company made it seem worth it. Agreed the people are amazing and what other job can you have that allows you to gain experience in so many different areas? But at the end of a 12 hour shift and a 52 hour 2 weeks, your all too little paycheck lands in your all to empty bank account and before you have time to bask in the fruits of your labor -- you realize you never made enough to even begin to feel rewarded. Sometimes, if not most times, I feel like giving in my 2 weeks and be like "Listen Rinx, I could be getting paid ALOT more for doing ALOT LESS!" I mean, Michael Korrs wants to pay me 10 bucks and hour just to sell shoes and purses! Sigh, I dont even know. Im grateful to my job too and honestly I really do love my job.

If it isnt the fact that I'm kiling myself at the Rinx, it's this job that offers so little is taking me away from the people who offer me so much. I haven't really spent any time with my family, or friends or even my boyfriend and I miss them all. Especially my boyfriend. His job gives him the weekend free while mine resolved solely around the weekend. I know I'm not the first to have a job interfere with her personal life but it really does suck. Oh well.

Alright, time to take my medication. Im so drugged its unbelieveable!