Tuesday, 08 April 2008

• Currently Listening Take This to Your Grave By Fall Out Boy D.O.A see related

  Spring Cleaning.

  I got around to thinking today about my past. I've already written a little note entry on Facebook about it but this one won't just skim the surface. When I say my past, we all know I mean my past relationships. Don't get me wrong, I am 99.9% satisfied with my current man. ( Not 100 because then things would be too good to be true that just never happens.) But, there is a tiny part of me that likes to reminisce about what used to be. I will not name names because like I've always said, my Xanga is public and the last thing I want is to stir up somebody else's shit. In any case, this is my written letter to all of you (in no particular order, though I dont think it would be hard for you figure it out.) because back then, I never had the courage and perspective I have now.
  
  The Second Chance Romance.. but only for a minute.
  You came at the most unexpected time in my life. And for the months I can remember, you were probably the most timid of them all. It was strange because if not completely reserved at one moment - you were extremely bold in the next. You were the black sheep of my world. Totally unincluded. Totally unaware. Practically invisible. Always on my mind. Even though you were the dark handsome stranger, you seem to get closer to me without ever revealing too much. I was wounded, down and out and there you were - a beacon of unrequitted hope. Emphasis on the unrequitted. You were more of my best friend than my lover. And even though our moments were secret - the whole world knew. You were painted all over my face. All the text messages written and kept. All the late night phone chats. The bets and the stories. You really did teach me how to live strong. Thank you for never letting us fall in love. You were always my favourite song.
  
  Mister Until I get Over You cont'd.
  I'm nearly speechless when I think about talking about you. More than ever, you've been on my mind. I wanted to forget you so bad and when it finally happened - I felt apart of me disappear. I underestimated how much you really meant to me and in doing so, I allowed myself to go thinking the very worst of you. Instead of commending you on being what you will always manage to be to me - my foundation. Without you, I wouldnt have ever believed in fairytales. How could love at first sight be real? We met on coincidence and fell in love in a place most people dream. A perfect item. Only now do I start to remember the little things, the better things. So many careless moments and worry-free days. When trust was so easy to give having never been broken. If I miss anything, it's the ease in which being with you came. Nothing about us was flawed. You were the only one ever to make me feel beautiful all around. I know I'm not the greatest looking but you made me feel like no one could compare. The only factor working against us was time and comfort. Along with boredom and routine, they all managed to rear their ugly heads and come between heaven. You were the one I shared my everything with and you'll always have that. Thank you for teaching me how to love and lose. You will always be the one that got away.
  
  My Wonderwall afterall Love thang.
  Talk about scattered love. No one ever needed me as much as you did. But I was glad. I was glad to be the rainbow after the storm - your storm, my storm, our storm. It's safe to say, at the time, I needed you too. I knew from the moment I saw you, we wouldn't click and instincts are rarely a miss. I forced love upon myself and in doing so managed to hurt you.. For that I will always be sorry. You were understanding, compassionate and tolerant. I know I was never the easiest to love but somehow you did it. With ease and with heart. It wasn't the sweet talk or your looks that left me in awe, it was the way you wanted to love me. Even after you've seen the mess I would always leave behind. You wanted to watch the sunrise and set with me. I never expected to fall so deep in love with you. After time,  things grew thin and our loved grew tattered. Like I said, I'm not an easy one to love and in my heart, I couldn't ask you to keep trying. Sometimes, if not most, I made it easy for you to walk away. I couldn't admit it then but I can now - I set up our love to fail. I know I'm not all to blame but if I just gave as much as I knew I should- you wouldn't have wandered. Now, memories fade and all I can recall is the last time we looked eachother in the eyes. You were the first and last in many things. Thank you for showing me how to be strong. You will always be my reminder.
  
  
  
  && there you have it. 3 lessons that made who I am. It feels so good to let it out after all these years. You guys didn't make it any easier for my boyfriend now. But you did teach me how to appreciate him so much more. While all you guys always had me at my best - he's the only one that wanted to keep me at my worst. Just goes to show that we're all part of a masterplan in one way or another. Man, I love spring cleaning.
  
  
  
  
  

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